Earlier this week, I had a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad flu. It started Sunday evening with a mildly upset stomach. By midnight, it was as if all the fluids in my body had been given orders to evacuate ASAP. All night I lay moaning on the bathroom floor, cheek pressed to the cool stone tile, waiting for the demon to rear its ugly head again . . . and again . . . At some point I must have crawled back into bed, because when I heard Hubby brushing his teeth to leave for work, I hissed at him, “DO NOT LEAVE!!! I’m DYING!!!” He had miraculously slept through the disgusting events happening just a room away. In my fevered dehydrated state, I imagined him returning home from work at 6pm only to find a dried up husk of me, something akin to a deflated party balloon, or a busted birthday pinata. Thank God, before he left, Hubby was able to locate a ten-year-old Zofran pill (anti-nausea) which slowed down the entire process and helped me sleep through most of the day.
I slept through most of Monday and Tuesday, having terrible fever dreams much of the time. A parade of flavorful foods danced through my brain, causing my stomach to roll with nausea. Enchiladas, lasagna, chili dogs with relish, Texas chili, tuna casserole. Noooooo! Every time I closed my eyes, more aromatic spicy foods would come to mind. I stopped sleeping and tried to watch tv, but then upon dozing, the characters from Shameless became part of my life! Go away, Frank and Fiona! You’re not helping!
When I began to feel better Tuesday afternoon, I had a funny fever dream. My brother, Paul, had invited me to lunch to try out a new restaurant with an innovative concept: Every table was equipped with an Easy Bake Oven, in which you cooked your own meal tabletop. The craft cocktail list was from the 1960’s, and the restaurant was decorated diner style with over-stuffed retro-red leather booths and shiny chrome tables. I can’t wait to tell Paul all about it. (Am I onto something? We could call it the Easy Bake Diner and have a gift shop with retro toys and candy.) I am constantly amazing myself with my fantastic ideas (lol).
I woke up Wednesday confident that I was well enough to return to work. After eating exactly one piece of toast, one cup of broth, and one Saltine cracker in two days, I felt a little woozy. I walked Ruby the Wonder Spaniel into the backyard and was literally blinded by the bright sunshine. I’d been on the couch or in bed for THREE DAYS and not ventured outside once. My senses felt as enhanced as a bird dog’s; everything was SO loud! Somebody, please turn those birds down! ACCCKKKK—that plane overhead is going to burst my ear drums! I wanted to shout at the people walking past our backyard fence, “Why are you screaming??” I could hear a dog barking a mile away! Throughout the day, I became desensitized and am now back to my normal self, able to withstand loud noises . . . and keep all bodily fluids where they belong.
Hear My Words, Good People: Stay hydrated, wash your hands, and get lots of sleep, for you do not want to catch the Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Flu.